ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.THE HEAVENS—Upon discovering His shining celestial throne had again begun to wobble beneath Him, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to level it out Tuesday by shoving another cherub under one of its legs.Over the years, Cam's made headlines for all sorts of stunts, from the ridiculous to the sublime. Just to refresh your memory, we pulled together Cam’ron’s 10 Most Ignorant Moments. PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death.
Most recently, his Jay-Z impression during a Diplomats interview with Miss Info provided some much-needed comic relief to a discussion of both artists’ strained past.
BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported.
VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the ‘Guinness World Records’ on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff.
Chi to kill them with kindness Hit them with the Visine, try to cure the blindness Couple coffee beans for the sinus Folgers the best part of waking up Is the alignment of self with God, and that isn't for a selfish heart My intention was to flood the scene I don't ever really hug the scene Y'all know I been submarine with this shit Little more Actavis how I lean with this shit Black as hell, still the cream of this crop With dream, no king just Ving Rhames with six shots It's the dawn of the dead and I feel so alive And the free been in here you can tell by my mind, like [Hook: Arima Ederra] You just a grown ass kid, who the fuck do you think you is?
The sun is only half way risen, you haven't come out your crib You just a grown ass boy, get up out of here with all that noise You ain't ever gonna find no joy playin' yourself like a toy, you just a...